Saturday, 30 April 2011

Aspergers in a skin shell

Thinking in pictures

Aspergers in a skinshell

Thinking in pictures, I like that, relates.. its somatic..

It feels like a blind person navigating a room,A house, a town.
I know my mind though I cant see it, I feel the colours and textures I hear its edges.
Its very somatic, very sensual, thinking in pictures.
Its not sound, its not touch, its not seeing, its not taste, its not smell.
Its any and all, all at the same time.

Learning language

Something I've just learnt, deeply.
You have all been a part.. I hope you are getting this as well....
It doesn’t mater who you are,what species, how you process information.
We all have our own internal language, alien in a way to others.
Real communication happens when we take time to learn and integrate the internal language of another.. this is friendship. It is what the whisperers know......
The interface between self and other, congruency in harmonics between isolated but connected neural networks, brain resonating with brain in a choral symphony.
We only miss it because we don’t take the time to learn our own internal language.
Or the internal language of another.

It gets in your life and you cant get rid of it
It leaves a trail of inspiration confusion and emotional carnage in its wake.
The stigma associated with it reveals the depth of prejudices & bigotry in out society.
I must apologise to those I offend , some I have no intention to.
But I get confused by those that project false image.
The amount of covert bulling and violence was the thing that led me to a diagnoses of aspergers, I am autistic.
I have tried so hard to be accepted by NT, twisting my mind in ways that is to me warped, just to communicate on that wavelength/phase.
Yet I have this disability, this gift. It is so foreign/familiar. It does not mean I don’t comprehend! I have spent my life emulating NT brains in order to communicate, it is not automatic or in real time. It takes as much time to learn NT language as it takes for NT to learn aspie. Yet most NT refuse. I wish more would spend the time to learn more than one style/phase/way of thinking.
It is fatiguing to tangle my mind to untangle another, I don’t always get it right.

Often I wont look into your eyes

So as not be overwhelmed by raw information.'

When I am doing a lot of internal processing. Just to be able to comprehend you.
I am filtering vast amounts of information consciously to be able to capture what you are saying. I am taking it on board. Mostly I get it, if I don’t I will ask for clarification.

When I look at your face and into your eyes I see the micro expressions, I feel your body, I feel your emotions, I feel your mind, as if they are my own. Yet I don’t know the centre. It takes effort to separate, Its intense. I need to do a lot of real time internal work to discriminate and maintain separation, Just so your words can make sense..........

When you’re words, body language, eye & facial micro expressions don’t match, it flaws me in real time, I wont make eye contact.

When you force or would impose the NT way without thinking. I wont make eye contact.

Mostly even my best friends. I don’t spend much time making eye contact.
Its to intense, except in love!
I do look, I do see.
I just don’t do it for social reasons.

Imagine -
sensory overload as a base state.
Light, colours, sound, tone, touch smell taste.
surfaces and waveforms in sound colour texture.
vibration sound feeling
is all the same
only different depending on processing/filtering mode

Vision always intense colours and detail incredibly rich.
I see/hear//feel/taste/smell my visual cortex Raw, internal noise is not filtered ,
sometimes overwhelmed unable to discriminate.
Like A blind man knowing a room a house a castle.
I feel my mind, I feel my vision, I hear its notes, it is rich and pleasant.

High level vision auditory somatic primary sensory dater processing,
Low level secondary filtering, including social, gender stereotyping.
Not always under conscious control.
A team of wild horses.


Like a team of powerful horses with the lightest of chariots

wild, and unskilled charioteer learning from cart drivers.
Time, the rains are different,there are more
Senses, feel the reins they quiver always both ways.
gentle time to know this beast.

Visual cortex exploring, surfaces and waveforms in sound and colour
vibration sound feeling
is all the same
only different depending on processing mode

Naming/language - seeing/reading – reading /naming -
The hearing/naming works buts does not connect ,( like when you look at a leaf - primary processing,, knowing its name "leaf" is not overlayed in conscious, it happens but in separation.. takes a lot of time and energy to get this right for some, just a curse for others.).(microsecond delay echo, uses a lot of mental resources)....

look at a scene any scene look at a object, name it. Speak it.
Look what’s happening. seeing/naming/knowing – knowing/naming/seeing/Sharing.
We all have times when we slip. How frustrating. When its all there!
Say a word repetitively until it has lost meaning, feel it.
Apply it to an object, knowing/naming disconnect.
I have to spend a lot of time on the mechanics of this just to be able to communicate.
It takes up mental resource, is fatiguing, and at times overloads .

Object. seeing /naming no overlay, word somewhere somewhere else, colours intense.
one colour jams, a little bit ok, much more it bleeds into everything , hearing touch smell, nothing else,
language- naming no name/comprehending, no language, its so loud, not fun.
Shut down /reboot ,don’t look... quick quick real quick,,, before they think your thick!!!
From mild to total disconnect. Have patience. My friend.
You will never see as I see when I see what I see,
as I will never see what you see when you see what you see. see
Sometimes I just have to go.
Its loud in here and my head hurts.

Its good to be around caring friends when one is vulnerable.
No meltdown.

Internal/external Its a bit like, no major highway, only a common bus.
Racing along back streets, flat out weaving turning swarming sweeving data collecting,. STOP.............. which port
No super highway, No of the shelf NT encapsulation.
Error check, resend.

A windy day
chaotic I feel the sounds, I feel the pressure changes, the hair on my skin, pervasive chaotic,
I hear what I feel,my body makes a noise.
I feel what I hear, the feedback a bit much.
it makes me itchy. Irritable
its hard to filter out. I close My eyes, its like sparklers, like the wind in my visual cortex.
Harmonic noises Stochastic resonance amplifying not squelched.
And when its quite again I still feel the wind I see the noise.
I need time to process all that I hear?!?
I cant process the chaotic info as my brain insists,
it takes up a lot of processing to filter this out.
Ill stay inside.

Hearing sensitive felt deep in the belly, some sounds nausea some nectar,
On the skin all ways tingling just to hear/hearing/sounding/speaking/comprehending.
I hear my skin, I hear my body, I can hear an individual finger a part of, any part of my body,
I discriminate, always my mind is filled with noise, all frequencies, everything its own note.
Colours sounds textures smells, all as sound. Often confusing, sometimes it screams, overwhelming, its loud it full on.
Most time music.
I avoid loud confusing places if I can. I need to be certain of in making sound.
A little ok, depends on overload threshold.
And sometime I scream at a world that’s screaming at me.

Transparent blood brain barrier
I don’t feel I have anything needing to be fixed.
Its good to have a hypa sensitive system. and intelligence to integrate all that input.
All the chemicals I Avoid because they interact at a conscious level are also the ones that they are finding insidious harmful.
Autism is essentially a name for a set of symptoms.(symptoms is not the correct term)? (Processes maybe)
When Asked by the psychologist did I want It fixed. NO no No was my reply. no way.
I just wanted conformation.
Severe autism I know nothing about and is not my place to comment till I spend time with that brain.
The brain has its own agenda not always concurrent with self
It has its own self witch is not yourself
its neat to be able to relate to brain as society.
Its 4 am and I'm dreaming.


As I go to sleep,
I find quietness to go in and explore.
Last night I sat with my heart for a wile.
Felt its her/his rhythm,
heard how he beats, and listened.
Listened for that beat wherever I could.
Felt it in my hands, my feet, my groin, my belly, my diaphragm, my wrist, my neck.
listened for where I could hear it.
Then I went back to my heart and felt its beat, and just listened.
I moved my hearing along the sound as if it was a surface and noticed it change.
And a map in my vision. As I moved back it became quieter until I got to the diaphragm where it became loud again and as I moved forward it increased in volume.
Forward and up along the sound, then back and down.. I noticed I was tracing out surfaces, one curved in and concave. I realised where I was and felt the surface clean, as I moved back and down in a way, the sound became harder more clunk clunky, and then softer.
Moving following the sound path back it became louder at my diaphragm and then it went straight down. Loud and soft smother, then suddenly no sound and a dissipating expanding falling cooling whirlpool without the whirl. Spraying cooling heat into my feet and hands and neck and everywhere. My body feels nice .
Wow , neat roller-coaster, lets do it again.
Find the heart,
Today my heart feels content.

meditate with a tree.. separation- combining, visual/self
A tree not to complex, not to simple, one that you can fit in the visual field and still define the leaves.
A non distracting background.
Look at it, just take it in, breath.
Look at he tree nothing else
let your vision relax fade blew a bit.
See the whole tree, let your eyes scan, Don’t bring your eyes to point focus.
Keep looking. Watch it become more three dimensional, greater depth.
Notice the detail increase.
Don’t bring your eyes to point focus.
Keep allowing the image in your mind to grow.
With practice you can hold a leaf still in the mind and see its surface.
(I think this is an artefact of our evolving visual system.
We no longer have the patience or need to sit still in a forest watching one area of our visual field.)

chair - separation/boundary/somatic
sit in a chair,you know this.
What's it feel like. Close your eyes,
feel the chair
What are you experiencing ?
Try really hard to feel just the body contact
the primary data
separate it from your experience of the chair.
What do you notice ?

This is not compleat
to more sims to come

No comments: